Tornados, Hail, and Cell-Phones.

The other day, there were all sorts of tornado warnings in Nebraska. I had to go to the basement in my work. I’m still relatively new, and everyone in my department had gone home for the day, so I didn’t really know anyone. There were three groups of people talking, and then there was me, by myself. I stood around, trying to decide whether sitting down would make me look like even more of a nerd. Finally, I sat down against the wall and pretended to play games on my phone, so that I wouldn’t look stupid. I pretended to play games on my phone, so that I wouldn’t look stupid.

This is just a symptom of a larger problem, which is that I pretend to engage in urgent phone-related business when things get even slightly awkward for me. If I’m supposed to meet a friend for lunch at a restaurant, and I arrive before my friend does, I will constantly check the clock on my phone to appear busy, getting minute-updates in real time. “Oh, it’s 12:37. Wait, now it’s 12:38… 39 now. It’s 12:39 now. Oops, I spoke too soon…” I’ll also send text messages just for the sake of looking busy: “hey matt what did u have 4 dinner tues? lol” I don’t care what Matt ate for dinner on Tuesday, and I didn’t laugh out loud. I just pray that Matt isn’t busy, so that Matt can help me lie to those around me.

What would happen if I left my phone in my pocket? Is there someone who would point and say, “Look at that asshole! He’s not doing anything; he’s just sitting at a bus stop, waiting for his bus. Just sitting there!” No, I bet not. But that doesn’t stop me. I will even pull out my phone when I see someone walking down the hall towards me, so I don’t have to figure out what to do with my eyes. “This is a nice hallway. Since I have twenty seconds of free time, I’d better check and see if my Mom called. Nope! Not today.”

Somewhat ironically, it bugs the shit out of me when people talk on their phones in public places. Apparently, it’s okay if you’re miming Tetris, but if you have a quiet conversation with a friend, you’re a dick.

Going back to tornados and other various types of inclement weather: the day of the tornado warning, my friend Zach told me that in some places near Lincoln, there were grapefruit-sized pieces of hail falling from the sky, roughly 4 ¼” in diameter. While it would suck to be knocked in the head with one of these pieces of monster-hail, there’s an upside; to remedy the pain, simply trap the piece of hail to your head at the moment of impact in order to ice the injury.

“Ouch! Fuck me!

…

Ah, that’s better.”

It’s kind of like getting a paper cut on a band-aid wrapper, or slipping in a puddle Neosporin.